I had similar dark thoughts as I approached age 40. I had suffered an emotionaly - and financially - draining marriage that cost me seven years, and a house. After retiring from the miltary at 35, I moved back in with my parents. What I thought would be my post-retirement dream job (laser engraving) only lasted a month. The next job (commercial computer technician) while vastly expanding my computer knowledge, only lasted 13 months. I didn't know what to do next.
Due to the security clearance I had in the military, I couldn't seek out mental help without risking the loss of my clearance and special programs access, so instead I would privately write down what I was feeling. This went on for months, then years. I'd go back and read through it, reliving the darkness. Then, one day at my parents' home, I decided it was time to move on from the pain of the past. I took all of those pages of dark thoughts and one-by-one, burned them all. The smoke blackened my face, but when I washed the soot away, I was a new man.
Secure in my third job (K-12 computer tech) I broke out of my shell at age 40, dating women anywhere from 20 years younger to 20 years older. Without expecting it, I connected with a student's mother (that's closer to my age) at the student's graduation party. We got married the following year, bought a house the year after that, and have been together now for 21 years. I'm 62, and loving life.
You can do it, brother. You can get though this. Seek therapy if it's available - or start writing those thoughts down. Then, when you think you've written enough - burn that baggage, and move forward. Good things can come when you least expect it.
PS: I've lurked at Hacker News for years. Your post inspired me to join and reach out to you.
Due to the security clearance I had in the military, I couldn't seek out mental help without risking the loss of my clearance and special programs access, so instead I would privately write down what I was feeling. This went on for months, then years. I'd go back and read through it, reliving the darkness. Then, one day at my parents' home, I decided it was time to move on from the pain of the past. I took all of those pages of dark thoughts and one-by-one, burned them all. The smoke blackened my face, but when I washed the soot away, I was a new man.
Secure in my third job (K-12 computer tech) I broke out of my shell at age 40, dating women anywhere from 20 years younger to 20 years older. Without expecting it, I connected with a student's mother (that's closer to my age) at the student's graduation party. We got married the following year, bought a house the year after that, and have been together now for 21 years. I'm 62, and loving life.
You can do it, brother. You can get though this. Seek therapy if it's available - or start writing those thoughts down. Then, when you think you've written enough - burn that baggage, and move forward. Good things can come when you least expect it.
PS: I've lurked at Hacker News for years. Your post inspired me to join and reach out to you.