If you can't narrow down resumes and phone interviews to candidates with better than a 1% chance of being accepted, then your interviewing pre-screening process is flawed. What other processes in our everyday work will also be flawed?

You send me a stupidly long resume

90% of all written correspondence (from customers, users, collaborators, vendors, etc.) is too long. Do you think they're all stupid, too?

You have annoyed me.

You're a manager. Your job is to properly deal with issues that would annoy others. Why would anyone want to work for someone so easily annoyed?

...do I really want to look forward to your rambling emails every day?

Do I really want to look forward to your sour attitude every day?

You can’t tell me why you like your current job

If I liked my current job, I wouldn't be here.

I don’t hire awesome people who don’t have the right skill mix.

Here's a clue: technologies change. By definition, anyone with the "right skill mix" won't have the "right skill mix" for long. Amesome people adapt. But how would you even know that if you don't hire them?

No career plans or vision

I've been programming for 33 years and still have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. This is an interview for an open job, not Dr. Phil.

If you don’t think well on your feet, spend some time reading through and practicing situational interview questions.

Are you serious? I'm a programmer, not an Americas Got Talent contestant. What you see is what you get.

If you are missing even one, I’m probably going to pass you up for someone who doesn’t.

Wait a minute. You want to hire perfect people, but you also want them to have "career plans or vision"?

I have a super BS detector

Obviously not, since so many of your questions can only be answered with BS.

The End

That's just about the only thing you've said that I agree with.

You sound like you have a serious attitude problem. I can't imagine working for someone like you. But thanks for writing this. You've solved many problems in advance. I won't be applying. And I don't imagine many people like me will be either.